Sunday, March 18, 2012

.....far too long.....update

I am deeply sorry for not updating my post it has been too long since I wrote in my blog. So....i dont really know where to start. Well....is not easy...still the only gay mormon here in the fresno and is willing to talk to me more than once. For the longest time I had an ad posted on craiglist lookinf for other gay mormons. I did get responses most of them where short emails that did not last very long. Or we would meet in person and they turn out to be.....speical, and most of all none of them were members of my church. All do not understand the culture of my religous belief.  I have slowly given up hope in find some  close to where I live. And now in recently that will be harder to find people. I recently landed a job in yellowstone national park. And now im going just over 1000 miles away. And in the middle of nowhere.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Here at church

Well I am here at church....it has been a while since I have beeb here I missed the last two sundays and today i have mixed feeling here in the foyer. I glad that im here, but at the same time feel so isolated.  It has been a long lonely and hard for me to find other gay mormons here in Fresno....its easy to find other gay people. Man.....sometime I wonder if its even worth it....

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Lone Gay Mormon

Its seems that after some research, and no matter how it looks like it doesn't seem to any local (within the Central Valley) a place were there are other gay Mormons. Until i find some other people that around here it seems that i am the only here. Also i was thinking of creating a group for local gay Mormons here in the Central Valley because it seem the closest places are either San Fransisco or Los Angles. Both would be a days trip. The only problem i see is trying to get the word out for people to that there is a group here in the Valley. Any tips would be help. Thanks to anybody who reads this.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no way of expressing how much hate i have for living here in Fresno or even in California. I am way depressed, even thought of killing myself....being a gay Mormon in Fresno is so freaking hard and is beyond and challenge that i will face. i just joined a new site for gay Mormons and i some how thought that it would be easier to find people from California, but no......it fact its mostly people from Utah or Arizona . But only two people from California and go figure they both live in the Los Angles Area. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL I WANT IS TO FIND ANOTHER GAY MORMON HERE IN FRESNO OR CLOVIS AREA I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO DRIVE A LITTLE WAYS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONLY GAY MORMON IN FREAKING FRESNO/CLOVIS AREA.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

An Impossible Dream

      As the title says this is about an impossible dream, and i don't mean 'a dream' as in a goal but as in a dream, the ones you get while you are asleep. It almost like the one i had posted earlier. This what i had dreamed.
     It was weird, i was with my family and we were on a dock full of ship i was with some hot guy whom, i loved and he truly loved me in return, he was about the same height as i, but built, not like a body builder, but he had muscle and he was very caring and sweet and was did not care what my parents had thought of me being gay and he would still beside me, even if he wasn't. I was worried that my parents would find out. We go on a yacht and something happens, i don't know what but i know, that we were hold hands, and again something happens in which i get upset and leave and hop on another boat and i start crying, when my lover come and ask whats wrong, i told him that my mom know, and he replies that she already knew, and that he told her that i was gay, and i was in total shock that he had told her, and we hugged for a while and i went to lay down and we cuddled, i knew that this could never be in real life, but my heart yearns for such comfort.   
     So when i woke up, i just wanted to die!!!! It seems that every other day i have some sort of dream where i get what my heart wants so badly.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Truth Must Come Out..........

I am going to be totally honest with you. My name is not James, But Eric. I live in a mid-size city called Fresno. Its located just south of Sacramento and North of Bakersfield. I am sorry if i had mislead anybody in keeping my true name and city where i live. I created this blog to vent my life's problem when nobody gave crap about me and when i need help well i got the same answer every time. My name is Eric, and i am a gay Mormon, who is struggle with feeling that nobody in my YSA(Young Single Adult) ward of my religious beliefs. I am along and nobody seems that is not an issue, well i wish they would understand that it the whole part of my problems that i face every single day of my life. I don't know why it had happened but i am truly glad that it happened. For i know that i would not be the same person if i had have this challenge.
When i created this blog i deeply hope that my ward would read it, i was hoping that they would stubble upon and see the connection between this person and me and hopefully that they would make the connection of what i was going through and be there for me. Well some wishes will never come true. As it is i have only two followers and i am grateful for there support even if they never responded to anything that i had posted.
I wish my ward would understand the problems i face each day as i go outside. Each time i see a guy, oh how i wish we could be friends, and more. The one thing i lack as a child and deeply desire is the safe contact from another male friends who understands who understand and is willing to help. But I know that this will never be because the members of my ward are too single mined and afraid or scared of what may come. My deepest desire is too lay my head down on a guy lap and listen to soothing music as we talk about just general stuff. I would most likely fall asleep but i knowing that there was a person looking out for me is the most sweet thing my heart yearns for.
All post are real i might have changed the names of the people, since i was to respect (some of) them. I don't whats going to happen in the future with the way that things are. And be honest i hear for a couple of people that my ward really want to help me but they just don't know how....well here's how: TALK TO ME, BECOME A FRIEND TO ME. That simple, and that all i ask. Well that's not true, I want more than a friendship, i want to normal.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Past Haunts Me Pt. 1

     So this post has to do what happened yesterday. I had my local missionaries over for dinner yesterday (saturday).  It was to see the Elders and I was happy to see the new elder who was trandferred to our ward.
      The dinner was good and at the end of our dinner the missionaries shared a spritiual message. The new elder had ask me which was my favorite scripture, I tried to remember where it was so we all look for the scritupre. We found and I broke it down to explain the importance of such a simple message, the elder were enlightened.
     I felt so good to have what it felt like to missionary again. We even talked about our missions, the elders talking about what was happening in there mission and I was talking about my mission a little.
     After the missionaries left, I was home alone again, and so I cleaned up a little and turned of most of the light in the house and opened the family room blinds and turned on the radio and sat down on the couch listen to christmas music and reflecting on my mission and what I had done.
     To most people who serve a mission, well they tend to.....well face problem or even cause problems like I did.
     LDS missionaries live a different lifestyle for 2 yrs. And for those 2 yrs it can be hard at times. For me it was hard everyday. Each missionaries mission is different and so each person is going to have different things.
      For me this was my mission, I had 15 different companions (that a new companion every 1.6 months) and I served in 8 of the 10 zones in my mission. But the problem lied in my companions I had one my mission. I will continue once my phone is not dead.