My Life

Alot had changed since I have joined this site. I hope that you my readers can spread my blogs to other people so people can read my stories and bring comfort and hopefully hope and if not then I hope they will bring support, love and friendship. I hope to bring back what was lost in my life...happiness. And I hope you can find connections in my blogs.  Talk to you all later Eric.  Hugs and Kisses

It has been a long time since i was on here i will be giving a major update soon.

I am deeply sorry for not updating my post it has been too long since I wrote in my blog. So....i dont really know where to start. Well....is not easy...still the only gay mormon here in the fresno and is willing to talk to me more than once. For the longest time I had an ad posted on craiglist lookinf for other gay mormons. I did get responses most of them where short emails that did not last very long. Or we would meet in person and they turn out to be.....speical, and most of all none of them were members of my church. All do not understand the culture of my religous belief.  I have slowly given up hope in find some  close to where I live. And now in recently that will be harder to find people. I recently landed a job in yellowstone national park. And now im going just over 1000 miles away. And in the middle of nowhere.

Well I am here at church....it has been a while since I have beeb here I missed the last two sundays and today i have mixed feeling here in the foyer. I glad that im here, but at the same time feel so isolated.  It has been a long lonely and hard for me to find other gay mormons here in Fresno....its easy to find other gay people. Man.....sometime I wonder if its even worth it....

Its seems that after some research, and no matter how it looks like it doesn't seem to any local (within the Central Valley) a place were there are other gay Mormons. Until i find some other people that around here it seems that i am the only here. Also i was thinking of creating a group for local gay Mormons here in the Central Valley because it seem the closest places are either San Fransisco or Los Angles. Both would be a days trip. The only problem i see is trying to get the word out for people to that there is a group here in the Valley. Any tips would be help. Thanks to anybody who reads this.

There is no way of expressing how much hate i have for living here in Fresno or even in California. I am way depressed, even thought of killing myself....being a gay Mormon in Fresno is so freaking hard and is beyond and challenge that i will face. i just joined a new site for gay Mormons and i some how thought that it would be easier to find people from California, but no......it fact its mostly people from Utah or Arizona . But only two people from California and go figure they both live in the Los Angles Area. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL I WANT IS TO FIND ANOTHER GAY MORMON HERE IN FRESNO OR CLOVIS AREA I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO DRIVE A LITTLE WAYS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONLY GAY MORMON IN FREAKING FRESNO/CLOVIS AREA.

      As the title says this is about an impossible dream, and i don't mean 'a dream' as in a goal but as in a dream, the ones you get while you are asleep. It almost like the one i had posted earlier. This what i had dreamed.      It was weird, i was with my family and we were on a dock full of ship i was with some hot guy whom, i loved and he truly loved me in return, he was about the same height as i, but built, not like a body builder, but he had muscle and he was very caring and sweet and was did not care what my parents had thought of me being gay and he would still beside me, even if he wasn't. I was worried that my parents would find out. We go on a yacht and something happens, i don't know what but i know, that we were hold hands, and again something happens in which i get upset and leave and hop on another boat and i start crying, when my lover come and ask whats wrong, i told him that my mom know, and he replies that she already k...

I am going to be totally honest with you. My name is not James, But Eric. I live in a mid-size city called Fresno. Its located just south of Sacramento and North of Bakersfield. I am sorry if i had mislead anybody in keeping my true name and city where i live. I created this blog to vent my life's problem when nobody gave crap about me and when i need help well i got the same answer every time. My name is Eric, and i am a gay Mormon, who is struggle with feeling that nobody in my YSA(Young Single Adult) ward of my religious beliefs. I am along and nobody seems that is not an issue, well i wish they would understand that it the whole part of my problems that i face every single day of my life. I don't know why it had happened but i am truly glad that it happened. For i know that i would not be the same person if i had have this challenge. When i created this blog i deeply hope that my ward would read it, i was hoping that they would stubble upon and see the connection between t...

     So this post has to do what happened yesterday. I had my local missionaries over for dinner yesterday (saturday).  It was to see the Elders and I was happy to see the new elder who was trandferred to our ward.       The dinner was good and at the end of our dinner the missionaries shared a spritiual message. The new elder had ask me which was my favorite scripture, I tried to remember where it was so we all look for the scritupre. We found and I broke it down to explain the importance of such a simple message, the elder were enlightened.      I felt so good to have what it felt like to missionary again. We even talked about our missions, the elders talking about what was happening in there mission and I was talking about my mission a little.      After the missionaries left, I was home alone again, and so I cleaned up a little and turned of most of the light in the house and opened the fami...

     Well when I say my dream I don't mean a goal or something you wish to have or achive, but I mean a dream the one ypu have in your sleep.       I had this most powerful dream. Dreams for me are too real for me that I can't tell the difference, so my emotions become deep and real. When I wake up I truly have those feelings and it affects me for a while.       So this dream I had...well was so powerful that when I woke up and went back to sleep I continued the dream. In the I had dreamed that I was a place dont really know where, but there was a huge pool or lake, the water was clear and blue. There were three people including myself.       I knew that I had the ability to breath under water, because I had gills behind my ears. I was getting tired of one guy and so I jumped in the water and just simply relaxed. But then I noticed that there was another person in the water, and he was hand...

OK so a friend bugged me about updating my.post, which I did mention in my last post. So here's what has happened a lot of family drama, no I haven't told my family that I'm gay, and want to keep it that way.      The drama...well the drama comes from each of us in my family for me its not having a job and student loans i have to pay, which is now behind plus my credit cards. What really pisses me off is that my other brothers are always broke and need money from my mom. My oldest works for the IRS and makes good money, so does my younger, he work a private company.      But both dont save there money for thing like bills, food, etc. instead they spend it on computers, rpg games, getting stuff they dont need, and when they need for a bill they ask my mom, so I have stop asking my mom for money because my other brother zap all her money. And yet she doesn't say a word to them. And it make me confused, depressed, angry, because she yells at for no...

So alot has happened since my last blog. Well to bring you up-to-date. Well you are to have to wait until I get home....

     The biggest problem I have is the lonelness I have if truly often thought and came close to really killing myself, because I some how know when were to kill myself people would actual see me. Also thought how would my old ward react if I were to die. And so I wrote a story called, "would one weep for me". Its about a an lds young man who kills himself in front of his hometeachers, and the after math of his death.      Death is so sweet to me. It really is because it release me from my earth problems I have to face everyday, I know that may sound selfess but its true if you would have been in my shoes you would think differently.       Often what happens to get me this way is, im often in a happy mood for a while and so it feels real good and then something happens pretty quickly and then I just feel extermely lonely and I just wish people would come and save me, but they dont and then I just think about death and wa...

     So this post about my life as a missionary, if you had forgotten that I was an 'closest case' since nobody knew I was a person who was openly gay when I served a mission. At the time I served I had not even thought that I was gay, even though I was in love with men. (i dont have relatinship beside being a friend to them)      As a Mormon, its encouraged to go on a mission. The age in which you can be able to serve is 19-26. Most Mormon mission leave when they are about 19 yrs old, but I was late in getting my paperwork done (which I will explain later in another post). I was 21 when I served, which make me seem old against the missionaries, but I was truly grateful for going so late.      I was called to serve in washinton state (i wont menation the city in which I was called to) for 2006 to 2008. When a young men or women are called the spend some time getting trained in on how preach the gospel and sometime even learn ...

....if you think other wise my life doesn't suck, try living my life!! The problem I face besides being a gay Mormon is the lack of friends I have to hang out with or even socialize with. I how do tear down a wall that has been built because isolation and ridicule? Plus not have any support for coming out gay. I haven’t told my family because it will be too much for my family. I see so many people happy and it hurts and sucks to see that I can’t be that way. My biggest fear is that no one seems to help (or they just don’t know how to). I often hear that from people. A friend often tell me that members of my ward want to help, but just don’t know how to. Here is the simple answer, simply be a friend to me, these 'people who are concerned' don’t even say hi to me at all I mean if they wanted to help, I'm surprised they don’t tell me. I feel that they are scared or afraid to tell me. What can they be afraid of? The worst thing I could do to them is s...

     Well i guess i will start just typing....i guess i will start by saying that i am gay, but also Mormon. If you seem confused try to be who writing this. I have been quite about this in my life and so i just came out to myself and only to a few of my church friends.      I only came out just a couple of months ago. When I was at a the local $3 dollar movie theather. I was sitting by myself, when the friends invited came in to sit down. One person asked me to sit with them, but I just dont do that sort of thing (i dont like sitting around people in whom I dont know). So I watched the movie which was ok. But while watching it I realized that I was gay. I had mentally came to terms of be being gay. After the movie I text my friend to never invite me these hang out, because I was totally depressed.      He responded in a way of wanting to help. So I told what I was truly feeling. And why I have been struggling. I told him tha...