My Life

I am going to be totally honest with you. My name is not James, But Eric. I live in a mid-size city called Fresno. Its located just south of Sacramento and North of Bakersfield. I am sorry if i had mislead anybody in keeping my true name and city where i live. I created this blog to vent my life's problem when nobody gave crap about me and when i need help well i got the same answer every time. My name is Eric, and i am a gay Mormon, who is struggle with feeling that nobody in my YSA(Young Single Adult) ward of my religious beliefs. I am along and nobody seems that is not an issue, well i wish they would understand that it the whole part of my problems that i face every single day of my life. I don't know why it had happened but i am truly glad that it happened. For i know that i would not be the same person if i had have this challenge. When i created this blog i deeply hope that my ward would read it, i was hoping that they would stubble upon and see the connection between t...

     So this post has to do what happened yesterday. I had my local missionaries over for dinner yesterday (saturday).  It was to see the Elders and I was happy to see the new elder who was trandferred to our ward.       The dinner was good and at the end of our dinner the missionaries shared a spritiual message. The new elder had ask me which was my favorite scripture, I tried to remember where it was so we all look for the scritupre. We found and I broke it down to explain the importance of such a simple message, the elder were enlightened.      I felt so good to have what it felt like to missionary again. We even talked about our missions, the elders talking about what was happening in there mission and I was talking about my mission a little.      After the missionaries left, I was home alone again, and so I cleaned up a little and turned of most of the light in the house and opened the fami...

     Well when I say my dream I don't mean a goal or something you wish to have or achive, but I mean a dream the one ypu have in your sleep.       I had this most powerful dream. Dreams for me are too real for me that I can't tell the difference, so my emotions become deep and real. When I wake up I truly have those feelings and it affects me for a while.       So this dream I had...well was so powerful that when I woke up and went back to sleep I continued the dream. In the I had dreamed that I was a place dont really know where, but there was a huge pool or lake, the water was clear and blue. There were three people including myself.       I knew that I had the ability to breath under water, because I had gills behind my ears. I was getting tired of one guy and so I jumped in the water and just simply relaxed. But then I noticed that there was another person in the water, and he was hand...

OK so a friend bugged me about updating my.post, which I did mention in my last post. So here's what has happened a lot of family drama, no I haven't told my family that I'm gay, and want to keep it that way.      The drama...well the drama comes from each of us in my family for me its not having a job and student loans i have to pay, which is now behind plus my credit cards. What really pisses me off is that my other brothers are always broke and need money from my mom. My oldest works for the IRS and makes good money, so does my younger, he work a private company.      But both dont save there money for thing like bills, food, etc. instead they spend it on computers, rpg games, getting stuff they dont need, and when they need for a bill they ask my mom, so I have stop asking my mom for money because my other brother zap all her money. And yet she doesn't say a word to them. And it make me confused, depressed, angry, because she yells at for no...

So alot has happened since my last blog. Well to bring you up-to-date. Well you are to have to wait until I get home....

     The biggest problem I have is the lonelness I have if truly often thought and came close to really killing myself, because I some how know when were to kill myself people would actual see me. Also thought how would my old ward react if I were to die. And so I wrote a story called, "would one weep for me". Its about a an lds young man who kills himself in front of his hometeachers, and the after math of his death.      Death is so sweet to me. It really is because it release me from my earth problems I have to face everyday, I know that may sound selfess but its true if you would have been in my shoes you would think differently.       Often what happens to get me this way is, im often in a happy mood for a while and so it feels real good and then something happens pretty quickly and then I just feel extermely lonely and I just wish people would come and save me, but they dont and then I just think about death and wa...

     So this post about my life as a missionary, if you had forgotten that I was an 'closest case' since nobody knew I was a person who was openly gay when I served a mission. At the time I served I had not even thought that I was gay, even though I was in love with men. (i dont have relatinship beside being a friend to them)      As a Mormon, its encouraged to go on a mission. The age in which you can be able to serve is 19-26. Most Mormon mission leave when they are about 19 yrs old, but I was late in getting my paperwork done (which I will explain later in another post). I was 21 when I served, which make me seem old against the missionaries, but I was truly grateful for going so late.      I was called to serve in washinton state (i wont menation the city in which I was called to) for 2006 to 2008. When a young men or women are called the spend some time getting trained in on how preach the gospel and sometime even learn ...